A Relationship Manifesto

Writing a dating profile or a “date me” doc is now de rigeur in the age of internet relationships - the outward facing advertisement we create for the commodity we’ve all resigned ourselves to become. But that outward, public-facing information is, if you’ll forgive a cliche, only the tip of the iceberg. Far more important are the hidden beliefs, assumptions and operating instructions that loom vast in the depths of your unconscious. They direct your habits, your desires and even your “type” - who you are trying to work your patterns out with, who reminds you of the unique spiritual signature of love that you first received in your most tender years.

In the service of uncovering these unconscious layers and clarifying them in light of awareness, I’ve created a document I call the Relationship Manifesto. It’s a way to catalog the most salient beliefs and subsystems that direct your attraction and attention. I’ve posted a blank version here: you can make a copy for yourself and fill it out at your leisure.

I’m posting my own below, in full, as an example of what one can look like after many years of refining it. May it be beneficial to you.

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RELATIONSHIP MANIFESTO

Untitled by Bedelgeuse

Relationship Philosophy

One of my deepest beliefs is that people exist to make their spirits manifest, and that business is between each individual and the universe. Romantic partners can, at best, be accomplices in each other's unique spiritual process. This doesn't mean we aren't responsible to one another. It tells us something about devotion. We direct devotion to the *space* between our beloved and the divine by withdrawing from it, and being a refuge for them when spiritual life cyclically degrades into the objective.

A relationship is a container in which two people can draw each other's spirit, through love, up from the depths and near to the surface of Being, where it can most easily be accessed and made manifest. To honor the natural sacredness of love is first to honor one's own, until one can recognize it in others, and include it in the scope of one's spiritual practice. Creating, nurturing and safeguarding the space in which others can become, with divine help, completely themselves. This is the telos of love. To create a masterpiece of space so generative & perfectly suited to one another's individuality that your spirits can't help but pour themselves into the world, via art, works or children. 

In order to do this, ego integrity is paramount. We must be true with each other, maintain strong boundaries around our own independence, protect one another’s solitude, and attend carefully to our own actions and our contributions to the relationship environment. When we inevitably make mistakes, we need the strength to take full accountability, without defensiveness or manipulation, and make necessary amends and changes.

I do not think a relationship can survive unless each partner views the other as an equal - not perfectly equivalent, but well spiritually balanced. Each partner should expect to be held to equal standards, to receive equal treatment, to do equal work, to be held to equal accountability, and to take equal responsibility. 

Relationship Structure

I'm not interested in either polyamory or default, unexamined monogamy. Both are, in the vast majority of cases, breeding grounds for unconscious animal narcissism. The structure I believe is most conducive to conscious relationship and mutual spiritual growth is reconstructed monogamy: one where we've both learned from relationship anarchy but prefer to give our abundance to only one partner, and maintain the bond with self-mastery and mutual devotion, not control and manipulation.

I would like a relationship to begin slowly, with care and reverence for how we integrate it into our lives. I would like a relationship that is oriented, in total, toward bringing into the world what the spirit is calling from us - whether that is children, art, service or something we can’t yet fathom - and a partner who is flexible and creative enough to build a bespoke structure that supports that in both of us. 

Lifelong monogamy is my strong preference, but I recognize that life and relationships are infinitely strange. If, many years in the future, in an entirely secure and healthy relationship, some need arose for an affair or external sexual relationship, I would be theoretically open to discussing it, so long as it did not threaten the family or the primary bond.

Relationship Purpose

I believe the purpose of a relationship is to create a unique, exclusive partnership that attends to those aspects of life that only partnership can: intimacy, deep trust, affection, companionship, sex, and mutual support - emotional, physical and material. The relationship should be a vehicle that brings out the best in both of us - that assists us in deepening into our spiritual practices and life callings, both individual and shared, and that fosters mutual interests and values. 

I want my partner to be family to me, with a bond as powerful and sacred as though she were my own blood, even if we cannot or are not ultimately called to have children together.

Ideally, in all major domains of life, both my partner and I will be fully capable of independence, and beyond: our life skills are such that we regularly produce unique beauty and abundance, and want to share our surplus resources with the relationship project, out of love, as a way to enhance and beautify life for both partners. 

There are, of course, dark periods in life, of misfortune, injury and illness, where we can’t stand fully on our own, and have to rely on others. These are inevitable, though usually temporary, until late in life. In these cases, the relationship should act as a material and spiritual reserve, not only for the unfortunate partner, but for the supporting partner as well, that both can draw on, for as much as they need to weather their difficulties, until they can once more stand on their own and begin contributing to the relationship. The optimal amount of duty is not zero, and I believe that partners in a long-term relationship owe one another their best and most virtuous presence, especially when it is difficult to do so. 

A relationship in which one or both partners are dependent on the other for the basic functions of life, without reasonable cause, is a project of inferior quality, unsustainable without intolerable levels of manipulation and personal control, and not ultimately preferable to a life lived alone.

Goals 

I would like to build a shared spiritual practice with a partner, a place of solace and refuge from the grasping, egoic world. 

I would like to build an evolving, ever deepening practice of intimacy with one another. We should be constantly in the process of increasing our vulnerability, honesty and communication, with ourselves and with each other. We should constantly be working on being as self-aware and as open with each other as we can tolerate, and being compassionate when this is difficult.

I would like to build a shared household, with a mutually created collection of household rituals and traditions that sacralize our familial devotion to one another. 

I would like to travel to see natural wonders of the world, to make pilgrimages together, to seek out experiences that challenge us and enrich our ability to make our spirits manifest in the world. I would like to share creative practice and time with one another, to collaborate on spaces and supportive structures that inspire our imaginations. I would like to take sweet road trips together, to camp and hike and ski and enjoy the beauty of the natural world. 

I would like to support my partner - and receive support in - bringing anything into the world our spirits are called to bring forth: personal practices of self-mastery, works of art, religious vocations, healing practices or even professional endeavors, although I do not want to go into business with my partner.

I would like to have more children with the right person, if we both feel spiritually called to bring children into the world, and we believe we would both be good parents. 

At the Intersection of Here and Now by Bedelgeuse

Sex

When I was younger I was sexually adventurous, and have tried just about everything under the sun that is safe, sane and consensual. I no longer think of sex objectively, independent of my partner - what I will or will not enjoy will depend in large part on the dynamics of my present partnership, and the sexuality of my partner. I am primarily interested in the spiritual dimensions of sex - in intimacy, transcendence and mutual satisfaction, more than in mechanical or infantile matters.

In recent years, eroticism has also become important to me. I am just as interested in play, narrative, creativity, aesthetics and intimacies that stimulate my imagination as I am in those that thrill my body. 

Historically, I have enjoyed a variety of kinky activities, and I would be open to exploring these with a partner, especially after our sex life has matured and deepened. I have a great Kink Worksheet that I think would be joyous to explore with a partner if our dynamic was amenable to it, or evolved that way over time. (Like the Relationship Manifesto worksheet, you can make a copy and fill it out for yourself. Fair warning: it is a comprehensive view of human sexuality, and gets quite intense in places.)

It feels important to me to stress that at this place in my life, kink is not essential to me. I am at peace with the range of “vanilla” heterosexual intimacies, if the spiritual dimension is present and attended to. I don’t require any fetishes or extreme acts to feel fully satisfied. 

Things That Make Me Feel Loved

Some of the things that make me feel loved and cared for include: 

• Seeing someone practice empathy by putting themselves in my shoes and really imagining what it’s like to be me, then relating to me with that information in mind. 

• Investing time and effort into thoughtfulness - considering me and my life situation, understanding my responsibilities, challenges and desires. Not stopping at a shallow or categorical understanding of me - as a body, a sex, a profession, a role, an identity - but thinking sensitively and genuinely of me as an individual in possession of these things. Ways this can manifest are in the quality of mutual support, and the thoughtfulness of gifts or romantic gestures.

• A genuine desire to support me when I am experiencing difficulties - I have a painful history with feeling like I need to do everything alone, and I feel enormously relieved and cared for when my partner recognizes this and takes the initiative to offer me support.

• Seeing and appreciating my contributions to the relationship, and showing gratitude for those, not taking them for granted. 

• If we have divided household or any kind of labor into roles, seeing someone attend to the work with a real devotion to Quality, as though they were working on a masterpiece.

• Listening when I speak, remembering when I have said something that’s deeply meaningful or important to me. 

• When feasible, helping me with errands or tasks that are otherwise difficult for me. 

• Getting on the same side of problems and building a sense of “us”, the spirit of our relationship, that incorporates and represents both of us. 

• Mutual, good-natured roasting

• Backscratches 

Expectations around Communication and Conflict

I think the time to work on relationship problems is when things are good. If we identify the need to work on something during a fight, we absolutely have to follow up on it after the fight. We can’t bask in the glow of reconciliation and hope the problem goes away. If we have a problem that is out of our skill level to reconcile, we should see if there are books, courses or counseling that we can do together. 

When we are in conflict, I think it’s important to express ourselves authentically and passionately, and to provide generous, well-regulated space for each other’s full expression. However, the boundaries around that space need to be kept sacred: No matter what, we need to refrain from attacking each other or the relationship. 

To that extent, I think it’s very important to be aware of our own triggers, of the relative intensity of our nervous systems, of the general pitch of the conflict and its dynamics, and also of one another’s triggers and emotional states. We should not walk on eggshells with one another, but we should be gentle and generous with mercy and forgiveness. 

One absolute necessity for me is a mutual willingness to take as many breaks from a conflict as we need, for as long as necessary, for the purposes of cooling down, regulating, reflecting and refining. I have very strong emotions, especially around attachment issues, and often need these periods of space to ensure that my actions preserve the integrity of our bond. I do not want these breaks to be used for punishment, withdrawal or “silent treatment” - even if we are taking space, I think it’s necessary to make or request small gestures of affirmation or reassurance from time to time. 

Another necessity for me is a firm commitment from both partners to exhaust all possible options at reconciliation before ending the relationship. We should both be able to feel secure that the other will try everything before giving up. This includes relationship counseling, workshops or retreats, refactoring boundaries, etc. 

Exit Strategy

To the extent that it’s possible, in the case of break-up, my goal is to follow the campsite rule: to leave my partner better than I found her. I would like to break up consciously, with a lot of love, and with great respect for one another’s grief and need to heal. Generally, it is better for me to have a period of little-to-no contact for about a year after a break-up, to fully heal before attempting a friendship. However, I think it’s important for ex-partners to make themselves provisionally available to each another in the period following a break-up, for limited, loving conversations that will aid in healing or closure.

Respect for my partner’s privacy and reputation is of the utmost importance to me, and I hope it will be for my partner as well. I confine all of my processing to professional relationships and very close friendships, and do my best to protect the solitude and good name of my partner. My only exception to this is in the case of abuse or infidelity, in which case I consider it a duty to warn my community about my partner’s offending behavior. 

Untitled by Bedelgeuse

Personal Considerations and Weaknesses

I grew up in a difficult, codependent household, and have some deep, complex, traumatic patterns from that time, so I need to be watchful for unhealthy patterns or dynamics in myself. For myself, I choose to maintain active work with a therapist while in a serious romantic relationship, at least once a month. This isn’t always necessary, but it ensures that the contributions I can make to the relationship are of the highest possible Quality.

My core relationship wounds in my adult years revolve around dynamics of betrayal and infidelity, so I need extra care, communication and sensitivity around my ability to feel secure, especially around issues of transparency, faithfulness and devotion. 

I sometimes struggle with communication about difficult subjects. I may need to ask for help or patience with these. Some of these subjects include: 

• My relationship history with controlling, anxious or highly sensitive partners who became emotionally unstable unless I “walked on eggshells.”

• Anxiety about a partner leaving or losing desire for me if I am not “high-status” or “high-achieving,” or if I can’t sexually perform on-demand

Red Flags

Codependency

• Relying on someone else to meet needs that she is capable of meeting on her own

• Enabling a partner’s immaturity/irresponsibility/addiction/under-achievement

• Giving up hobbies or things she enjoys outside of the relationship, or demanding I do

• Letting outside relationships (friends and family) fall off

• Making extreme sacrifices for a partner (i.e., financial security, family, etc.) or demanding the same

Narcissistic Behavior

• Self-absorption or preoccupation, with insufficient regard for others

• Overwhelming need to feel special or separate, or to receive praise and reassurance

• Victim mentality/inferiority complex

• Excessive preoccupation with appearance, status, wealth, privilege or especially power

• Low or no capacity for accountability and empathy

Abusive Behavior 

• Unjustified, explosive anger or rage

• Significant dishonesty or violation of integrity

• Taking advantage of someone in a compromised state 

• Any prejudice that prevents seeing another person’s individuality because of their identity. This includes traditional prejudices as well as progressive identity politics.

• Especially avoid female chauvinism, women who engage in man-hating or who view white people, men or straight people as a structural “oppressor” class. 

• Physical abuse (slapping, striking with an intent to cause physical pain) 

• Psychological or emotional abuse (gaslighting, twisting, humiliating, withholding)

• Sexual abuse (physical or emotional violations of sexual safety and integrity)

Addiction or In Recovery 

• Do not date anyone with an untreated addiction or significant problem behaviors around substance use, including self-medicating or compulsive use.

• If they are in recovery, evaluate their behavior carefully: especially in early years, there is often rigidity, codependence, controlling behavior and emotional instability.

• If they haven't solved the issue that led them to substance abuse in the first place, they're still an addict; "dry drunk."

Shallow Spiritual or Religious Beliefs 

• If a person is into astrology, tarot or "witchiness", evaluate them carefully. The same goes for unreconstructed faiths in organized religion. These are often signals of immaturity. 

• Shallow spirituality does not spur substantive personal development and allows for spiritual bypassing. It is sometimes a signal of poor or lazy intellect, sometimes a signal of poor or arrested moral development. 

My Ideal Woman

My ideal woman prioritizes integrity above all other things. She has a strong will, is my spiritual equal in mutuality and complementarity, has dauntingly high expectations, and an equal capacity for grace. She is radically honest, with me and with herself. She holds her commitments sacred, does everything in her power to keep her promises, and makes amends when she fails. She is mature, recognizes her own fallibility, and takes responsibility for herself, her actions and her desires. She holds me accountable, and accepts being held accountable with grace and dignity, without denial, defense or manipulation. 

She is not self-absorbed, or obsessed with shallow pursuits like career, money, status, and self image. She understands that the relational is superior to the objective, and has oriented her life accordingly - she feels called to be a mother, a passionate lover and a responsible, generous, creative partner to the person she loves most. She skillfully balances her worldly desires by situating them within the bounds of deeply held principles, upon which she has staked the integrity of her identity. She understands discipline and drive, but does not sacrifice the people and pursuits she loves to passing flights of ego.

She is considerate, kind and thinks often of others, without abandoning herself. She is devoted to a life of the spirit, a life of love, and suffuses everything she does with that devotion. She has a mature spiritual practice that deeply grounds her and brings her ever closer to the Real.

 She has a healthy relationship with her mind and body, treats herself wisely and kindly, does not allow illness to go untreated, self-destruction to proliferate, or excesses to go unchecked.

She is neither my student nor my teacher, and expects me to be a partner, lover and a spiritual friend, not a substitute father. She contributes as much to my understanding of the world as I contribute to hers. She maintains her distinct integrity when in connection with me, and considers it a sacred duty to guarantee mine.

She tends to our love life with great appetite and skill, can befriend, employ and flaunt the Mystery, and is secure in her femininity. She has a great capacity for and love of solitude, expects me to protect and foster that in her, and expects to do the same for me. She understands that I am as unknowable to her as she is to me, and doesn't let that stop her from recognizing herself in me, putting herself in my shoes, and creating mutual practices around understanding each other as best as we can, futile as it may be.

Negotiable In A Partner:

• Pretty

• Funny

• Doesn’t own a dog (I’m mildly allergic)

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Union at the Core of All Things by Bedelgeuse