The Victory of Integrity

Part 4 of How To Fight Your Family

This is Part Four of the series “How to Fight Your Family.” Once they’re uploaded, you can read the first installment here, the second here, and the third here.

In Part One, we discussed five principles for fighting wisely. They are:

1. Be Prepared

2. Operate Your Nervous System Intentionally

3. Empathize Without Abandoning Yourself

4. Fight to Win

5. Integrity Is A Win You Can Always Guarantee

In this essay, we’ll cover the final two principles. Enjoy.

Whenever Rich and I cover these principles together in Fight Wise, there is one that always lands hard. Fight to win. You can see people’s faces change. Their eyes widen a little, they shift uncomfortably in the frame of their laptop camera. There’s a silence after we say it. Rich and I just wait. Then, someone finally asks it:

“What does ‘fight to win’ mean?”

It means, very simply, what it says. We are extending you the benefit of the doubt, a modicum of good faith that assumes that if things have gotten this far, that you are defending something important to you, and that your life would be poorer if you failed to defend it appropriately. There is no coherent moral or ethical system in the world that forbids self-defense. Most of those systems very clearly lay out conditions in which aggression is acceptable. We might even say something like, you have a duty to protect yourself and the people you love, and to stand up for what you believe in. It may be essential to your survival, your way of life, even to your psychological health.

I think people who struggle with this struggle with trusting themselves. Are they sure their motives are pure? Are they sure they were fair and decent about starting the fight? Can they hold themselves blameless? And the answer is, no. You can’t. You will feel triumphant when you win, and if you’re not a monster, you will also feel some guilt. Ambivalence is our natural human state and regret is unavoidable to a species that can conceive of counterfactuals. Many people would rather unconsciously decide to lose than live with the inevitable guilt of winning.

It is far, far better, for you and for the people you love, not to do this. If you can count on yourself to fight to win, and they can count on you to fight to win, then they will calibrate their respect for you appropriately. This is the actual way to keep the peace among a family of murderous, self-deceiving apes in the Realm of the Lord of Death: by being very, very good at war.

Listen: winning doesn’t mean domination or destruction. It means accomplishing your goals for the fight - getting clear with yourself about what’s sacred enough to you to stand up for, setting firm boundaries around those things, setting reasonable win conditions, and maintaining your integrity throughout. That’s what principles 4 and 5 amount to, in the end - seeing the fight through to a skillful resolution in which you remained true to yourself throughout. If you accomplish your other goals, good. But if you fail to accomplish anything but keeping your integrity, you can still walk away with your head held high.

Fighting with integrity is the heart of fighting wisely. Integrity, here, does not necessarily even mean honesty - you can employ tricks and deceptions to defeat an enemy who is threatening your life! But when fighting your family, it’s imperative to be as honest as you possibly can, which is to say, as honest as the family system allows for without relational damage. And sometimes, being willing to risk a little damage for the sake of the truth.

But more than honesty, what integrity means is that you don’t violate your own most deeply held principles in the process of getting what you want. You don’t go against who you are, and you don’t force them to go against who they are. You fight it out within established bounds that say, "I’d rather lose, or even die, than violate my own integrity.” If you don’t see how that strength of character gives you an enormous psychological advantage at the outset, I would suggest you have never really been in a fight.

So - how does one accomplish this, especially when the rage is hot and the spittle is flying? As with all fights - one prepares, thoroughly and deeply, for its eventuality. And most importantly, it means fighting on your terms. It means having the courage to go and start the fight yourself, in the time and place of your choosing, having fully prepared for it.

When you do this, we suggest you use a very particular framework: The Three Phases of Confrontation.

Before: The First Phase

Before starting any fight, there are three things you have to do.

1. Clarify your win conditions. What do you want from this fight? Be honest with yourself. One part of you may just want to dominate the other, or embarrass them, or get revenge. None of these are wise motivations for the fight, and it’s good to check yourself before starting a confrontation to see where they might be lurking. Take those out on a punching bag or a woodpile. Look deeply and be willing to be vulnerable with yourself. If your motive to fight is born out of genuine need, then sit down with your journal and determine your:

   1. Wants (I would like if…). This is a good time to write about things you hope will come of the conversation, but that aren’t critical. They’re nice outcomes, but you can safely discard them if the fight isn’t going your way.

   2. Needs (it’s critical that…) These are deal breakers for you. Things that you require for your life, your livelihood, for your relationship. When fighting with your family, these are things like the need to be treated fairly and with respect within your relationships.

   3. Boundaries (if you do x, I will do y.) Boundaries are often misunderstood as ways people can control others’ behavior, as in, you can’t say that to me, that’s crossing a boundary. This is a near enemy of what a boundary actually does, which is to set a condition for how you will act. A boundary around a nation’s borders says that if you cross illegally, the nation will arrest and deport you. A boundary around private property says that if you trespass, the owner will prepare to use deadly force if necessary. A boundary around a family argument might say that if you bring up the past, I will refuse to engage with it, or walk away from the conversation. A boundary is not a restriction placed on someone else. It’s a promise of consequences, often a threat - and when it’s clearly made and delivered, it’s an act of mercy, just like a warning shot. It lets the other know they are close to making the fight unsafe for both of you. It gives them information on how to predict your behavior, how to pursue what they want, and have a good, clean fight with you. It also signals that these are priorities for you, and encourages them to articulate the same. All of these help you fight wisely.

   4. Requests (I want you to do x, or I want you to stop y.) Before you head into the fight, know what you want the other person to change. Make it specific, actionable and clear. Of course, it could be that the conditions change on the ground as you’re fighting - you get new information and it becomes clear that you need to make a new ask. Count on this. As the great philosopher Mike Tyson once said, “Everyone has a plan until they get punched in the face.” But by establishing your request beforehand, you get clear about the direction of the fight. You begin to organize your resources toward a clear goal. And if you’re the only one of the two doing that, you’re in control of the confrontation.

2. Rehearse. I covered this in full in Part 1 of the series.

3. Regulate. This is in Part 2, as part of nervous system preparation.

During: The Second Phase

During the fight, there are three things you need to do:

1. Ground. This, as in keeping your nervous system grounded in the moment, with breathing and muscular relaxation techniques. I covered this in full in Part 2 of the series. But another part of this is grounding in the relationship, which is especially important when fighting with family. First, remind yourself of the importance of this relationship. They are family. You will either live with this person’s presence in your life, or you will live with their absence. There is no third option. So when you are in the fight, it can useful to affirm the bond between you, and stress that it’s important enough to you to fight about it. If the bond is genuinely threatened by their behavior, it’s compassionate to let them know that. And by reminding them that you love them and want a good relationship with them, it helps them keep the argument in context and helps to prevent things from spiraling into destructive action.

2. Communicate. The more clearly and skillfully you can communicate, the more likely you are to win. You don’t have to be violent, domineering or frightening, you need to say what’s true for you as skillfully as possible, and meet, understand and counter, as honestly as possible, what they are saying in return. To do this well, both of you need to keep your nervous systems in check, and avoid provoking each other unnecessarily. One of the best ways to do this is to use “I” statements. Don’t blame or accuse them, and don’t make assumptions about their motivations, or about anything they haven’t said. Describe your experience as it’s happening. Describe what you are feeling, describe what you are trying to convey, describe what’s important to you. And finally, when possible, ask as many clarifying questions as the fight will allow, to get to the heart of what they’re saying. Remember: the better you understand both yourself and your opponent, the more effective of a fighter you will be.

3. Negotiate. You will not win every fight, but if you are willing to negotiate, you can get your needs met and preserve your integrity far more often than if you approach it in a “winner takes all” spirit. Three tips we find helpful for negotiation are:

   1. Explain your intended outcome when you articulate your request. Don’t just ask them to do something, tell them why. Give them your vision. “Dad, I really want you to speak to my boyfriend more respectfully because I think it will make both of us more comfortable coming over, and I want us to have a good relationship.” This makes requests feel less like threats, exposes your motives and encourages them to discuss theirs, and opens up room for compromise and creative collaboration on getting both of your needs met.

   2. Be willing to compromise, but do not compromise before your position is heard. If you are a constitutional fawner, you may talk yourself out of making a request before you even start, or you may feel like it’s hopeless, and downgrade your ask before you’ve even made it. Do not do this. Make your request, clearly and truly, and let them talk you down from it. If you’re sure they’ll say no, fine. Let them say no, then have a response prepared. But don’t damage your own position and self-respect before you even begin the fight.

   3. Understand your BATNA. Best Alternative To A Negotiated Agreement. Which is to say, if the fight gets too heated, negotiations fail, or you’re unable to meet your needs, what’s the best alternative that’s available? It can be helpful, both psychologically and practically, to prepare this outcome beforehand, because it limits your anxiety and the strength of your reactions, helping you stay in control and effectively advocate for yourself.

After: The Third Phase

After the fight, there are three things you need to do to take care of yourself and ensure that you grow, as a person and as a wise fighter:

1. Regulate. All of the tricks and techniques that keep you grounded will also help you recover afterward. Don’t skimp on these, and give them as long as they take to fully recover. Treating your nervous system well is a critical part of fighting wisely.

2. Reflect. Just as journaling is a critical part of preparing for a fight, it’s also a critical part of growing, updating and staying prepared for the unknown. You might think you remember the confrontation well, but it’s crucial to get it out of your head and onto paper before time, self-interest and neurological trickery change the memory into something unusable. At the first available opportunity, write everything you can remember about the fight. Who said what? What was the sensory environment like, what did you feel during it? Get as faithful of an account as possible. Then, put it away for a bit. Go for a walk, or even better, sleep on it. When you feel like you have a bit of distance, return to it and ask yourself: If I could do this over again, what would I prepare differently? How would I regulate differently? What would I say or do differently? What outcomes might have been possible? This is just as important after you win as after you lose.

3. Update. With these reflections in hand, get a handful of “updates” from the fight. Analyze them and ask what weaknesses they point to in you, or what strengths they point to in the other person. Then, figure out how to transform those insights into real training in the real world. Not just nodding your head and saying “now I know,” but real, concrete updates to your self-knowledge and your future preparations and routines. Even if you felt you lost the fight, if you know that you did your best and you take the time to uncover and learn the lesson, you won’t suffer undue regret. And you’ll maintain your self-respect, because you know that you used the loss to lead yourself to genuine growth, and that if there’s a next time, you’ll be a more formidable opponent. All wins are wins, and if you do it right, so are all losses. Until death, all defeat is psychological.

And with that, the series concludes. You now have all the knowledge you need to fight your family this holiday season. And though Fight Wise Holiday Edition has already passed for 2025, we’ll keep running cohorts of the regular program throughout next year, which includes everything covered in this series and more. The practice is much more important than the knowledge, so hopefully we’ll see you in an upcoming class.

Until then, may you be a happy warrior, formidable, decent and wise, and win the peaceful, loving holidays that, underneath it all, your family truly desires.